Growth and Goodbye

This letter was written and sent to the students I had the pleasure of sharing a semester in Lyon with.

“We hardly know ourselves when we know nobody else”

It's not often that one receives greater clarification about themselves. I say receive because it cannot happen by yourself. It is a process that occurs with the help from others. They must push or pull you in a direction you wouldn't normally go in order to help you see what you have become. I have long had a problem with showing compassion. It is not that I am a horrible person, hopefully, but it is that I am not perfect. My first reaction to people can be harsh and usually unfair. I talk and influence people in ways they don't deserve. I stick to my reasoning with little reason. These are all issues that have affected my personal life, and that take a great deal of time to change. However, I have noticed my faults, and I apologize for the pain any of them may have caused. I love you all, and I hope that I can make that as clear to you as it is to me.

One reading this may have assumed that there was some huge falling out or perhaps a heated argument. This wasn't the case at all. I think some may have seen that around the corner, I may have even thought about what I would say, but it never went there. We saw it together, and I think we are moving towards fixing it together. I may never see some of you again, our contact may be brief, but the lessons I have learned here will last me a lifetime. What follows is quite personal, but not in the way you are used to from me. I have written before, often for effect, in a negative manner. I have slighted nearly all of you in one way or another. I am an asshole, but hopefully with potential for change. I think this week past week has marked a lot of change for me and this message is now appropriate. This is my love of your friendships, written... and shouted from the mountain top.

I think it most appropriate to start with the girls that I most readily and unfairly judged. I dubbed you the girls, but how inappropriate as you are each completely different in your own crazy way. I haven't gotten as close to you as I have with others, but that is my fault and my regret.

Katie, I don't think there has been a conversation with you over the last month in which you didn't make me laugh. Your ability to absorb everything around you, good or bad, and make light of it amazes me. When people are stressed you calm them down, and when they are heated you cool them off. You take it for what it is and leave it at that. I don't want to start talking as if its over, but I wish I was able to share more laughs with you along the way. If everyone had your attitude towards life I think this world would be a damn good place to live.

Sam, you may be short and quiet but you are one of the biggest sweethearts I've ever met. I don't think you have a bad bone in your body and like your companions you see the world in a good light. It is a remarkable trait that I don't even come close to having. I have many bad bones, that seems to be quite obvious. At first I thought I was better than you. This was a mistake that I have made before and will unfortunately make again with others, but I'm not better. When we got here we students studying abroad, trying to have a good time. So, up until that point we were equal. Since then, you have lived your life and enjoyed the ride. You should be proud as I am envious.

Lindsey, you have proved to me that perception and reaction is everything. At first I looked down on you for everything you dropped and the occasional silly question that you asked, and now I absolutely love you for it. Although your most memorable image of me might be bringing FA over to talk to you, (haha sorry) there are quite a few instances that I can look back on and laugh at with you. You are a joy to be around and have changed most of my views on Long Island Women. You won't have to find happiness because I am absolutely sure it will find you. In fact, you will probably drop something on it and get its attention.

Devin, it took quite a long time to get to this point in our friendship. You are a completely unique individual, and I don't think any of us can disagree with that fact. But, it took me an awful long time to love you for it. At first, I couldn't understand you, then I didn't want to be around you, and then, most regrettably, I allowed my feelings to affect others. I spread and exaggerated my feelings, but there was a reason that it never really took hold with anyone else. The reason I disliked you is probably because I saw in you what I knew I couldn't be. I will never be able to say everything that is on my mind and be perfectly okay with everyone hearing it. It is not at all in my outward nature, but we would all be lucky to have such honesty in our lives. I wish you the absolute best and hope you never change!

Jackie, you have been gone for just a few days and I already miss holding down your doorbell until you answer the door. I may have done it once or seven times over the weekend... I didn't reach out to you at all until our time was close to gone. I thought you were snappy and abrasive, but then I waited for the punch line and absolutely loved you. I'm fairly sure you could make me die in two different ways; physically kicking my ass and causing internal bleeding, or making me laugh so hard that I rupture my spleen. Yes, I would literally shit myself with laughter and die. I hope to make Philly a stop-over in my journeys from Boston to D.C. from now on.

Ken, I think you may be the only one of the group that I don't owe some sort of an apology. But, if you want to I'd be happy to hop in your suitcase and come to Japan with you (provided there is a bottle of Moet packed away with me). You are a genuinely nice guy and I will be happy to see you around campus.

Shephali, you may be thinking “hey, I don't think he owes me an apology”... but then you can think to that morning. It was you, me, and Cory laying in the bed. You were being sandwiched and occasionally dry humped. It was all fun and games until I left you a little treat. Unfortunately, it was the gift that kept on giving. I am sorry for making you room smell for two hours.... but you know I love you and I hope that you still love me. Better visit Montreal!
Aaron, you are an honest and good person. You can talk up a storm with anyone and your genuine appreciation for good deeds has not gone unnoticed. I have not always had the most level headed attitude towards you, and I can recall several instances in which I barked back with more than please and thank you. If you had been able to influence me earlier in life I would probably have turned out to be a more honest person. Regardless, I am glad that I have gotten to talk with you more as of late and apologize for allowing you to go excluded in the past.

Dylan, I never gave you enough credit for who you are. I heard up-state and mountains and formed an opinion. It didn't strike me to go too far beyond that until we got close to the end here. You keep things pretty simple and shoot as straight as an arrow. You always seem to have good intentions and that's more than I can say for myself. Hell of a wingman, too. I enjoy your friendship and appreciate the kind of person you always are. Keep in touch, big guy.
Cory, you bitch ass mother fucker! You have put up with an awful lot of shit coming from me. Your endurance for my attitude is greatly appreciated, because I would be dead on a sailboat if it wasn't for you. We have had one hell of a time and an even greater adventure. There are some memories that I will never forget, especially after I get around to writing about them. You are more of a saint than Dorothy Mantooth, and I thank you for the laughs. Keep on keepin on, and I'd be happy to wander and go buy some snacks.

Kelly, with you I will draw this note to an end. We all have our demons, but I unfortunately let mine get the best of me. We started to get close and I pushed you away with my pen. It wasn't intentional or conscious at the time, but when I looked back on it I knew what I had done. There are reasons behind it that I haven't even figured out myself, but when I do I'd be happy to share it with you like you have shared so much with me. You have been a good friend to me and I will always have a spare hand for you. I can see your light (dear god, why does my imagination always make me into an asshole? I don't want to start telling jokes during a serious letter but I think we could all use a smile to end this)... I could even see it with a half smile. Your spirit will guide you to what makes you happy, so set it free and let it do the work. I will see you at the top, and back in Boston. =)

Apologies for what has been done are useless without a genuine shift towards the correct behavior. I'm not perfect, and I am still going to steal so I am not even trying to be, but I am going to try to be a better person with all of you. We have all gone through shit while in Lyon, and I'm sorry for the pieces that I threw.

Love you all,
Scott